What Is Now
by Gunni11
Summary: a sequel to What Was Before, a Charlie and Joey story
1. Chapter 1

_This is a sequel to What Was Before. I have had this idea for quite some time, but needed a background story in order to write it, so I decided to use that one. This is a story I write because I'm intrigued by the brain and how it works. Again, it's a different fanfic, if you don't like it, tell me and I remove it. I apologize before hand for everything I let our girls go through… but there might be an interesting twist… Let me know what you think!_

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Charlie was sitting in her office, leaning back in her chair with her feet on the desk. She fiddled with the ring on her finger. Joey and she had been together for a little more than two years. On their two years anniversary they had pledge their love for each other and given each other rings. It wasn't anything official, it was just the two of them, out on 'Charlie', Joey's boat.

Joey had made pasta, the same dish she had made for her the first time she came over to her place when they were eighteen. They had champagne, and the surroundings were the ultimate cliché. On a beautiful sailboat out on the ocean, the sun setting, bathing them in soft, warm light. They had been on deck, each a glass of champagne, saying all kinds of wonderful words to each other. It had been beautiful. Maybe one day they could do it for real.

Charlie let her mind wander back over the last two years. They were happy, after the trail against Brett, they had left for three months, taking time away from everything to be together. It had been an adventure, sailing all the way around Australia, seeing places they had never seen before.

They returned to the Bay, stayed with Leah for some months before they found a place for themselves. They rented a three room apartment, Ruby was staying with them. Ross had given her the option of staying with him and Morag, but for Ruby three months there had been enough, she wanted to stay with Charlie.

Ross was the only cloud on her sky, he still wasn't ok with them, but he had realized that there was nothing he could do about it. He would be polite when Joey was around, but Charlie wanted him to receive her into the family, like Ruby had done. Maybe one day he would, but it had been a long wait for that 'one day'.

Charlie didn't mind having Ruby with her, rather the opposite. She loved Ruby, feeling really more like a mother to her than a sister. She wanted Ruby to have what she had with her mother, and she did her very best to be the best she could be for her.

Charlie smiled out in the air. She loved Joey, being with her had brought back the old Charlie, the warm, loving and caring Charlie. In the beginning, she had thought it would make her less able to do her job, but in reality, it made her better. It had become easier for her to get into the minds of people, predicting what they would do. She was highly wanted on any field operations because of her ability to asses situations quickly and correct.

She enjoyed it, she loved being out, having adrenalin rush through her system when she stood before a possible dangerous situation. She knew she was good, and she trusted herself and her judgments.

Joey was working as crew on a trawler, she enjoyed being out on the water and loved her job. She had Aden as a crewmate, and he had become a really close friend to them both.

Charlie suddenly felt something hitting her on the inside. She pulled her feet down from the desk and sat up straight. Something was happening, it felt like someone took ice-cold hands and placed them around her heart. Her eyes flickered around the room, not seeing anything in it, she tried to see what happened on the inside. Something was wrong, she just knew it.

She rose and walked out in the reception area, she looked at Watson standing behind the desk, writing something in some file. Watson looked at her, "Anything I can help you with?" Watson liked her boss, Charlie was an outstanding officer and Watson felt she had learned a lot from her.

"I don't know, I just got this feeling…" Charlie chewed on her lower lip, the feeling wouldn't go away. She started to flip through some files, trying to ignore her inside. It didn't work, she picked her phone out of her pocket and called Joey, she needed to know that nothing was going on with her. She was put straight to voice mail, she left a short message.

She called Ruby next, a happy voice answered her, Charlie sighed from relief. Ruby told her that she would stay with her boyfriend and be home later in the evening. Ruby had started to see Xavier, one of two brothers that had moved to the Bay about a year ago. Charlie found Xavier ok, but Hugo she could be without, it was just something about him.

Charlie stood staring out in the air, she couldn't shake of the feeling inside. She grabbed some files that waited for her and headed back to her office. She had just sat down when she heard the phone ringing and Watson answer. She shot the door in order not to be disturbed, she needed to concentrate on her work.

"Senior!" Watson came barging through the door without even knocking. "Charlie, there has been an accident down at the wharf, there are several people injured, we need to get going now!" Charlie jumped up, the feeling inside disappeared, she only focused on doing her job.

"Do you know what happened?" Charlie ran out to the squad car, followed by Watson and several other officers. "Angelo and one other officer is there already, apparently some gas tanks exploded and brought down a workshop, there was people outside having lunch, several was hit by things flying through the air."

"Have you called for paramedics?" Charlie was in the car, starting the engine and took off the second Watson had her butt on the seat.

"It's already done, they are on the way, so are the fire fighters." Watson reached for the radio and made contact with the station, updating them on what was going on. Charlie was a little worried, Joey was working on the wharf, but the boat was usually out all day, she shouldn't be on the wharf now, she felt the hands around her heart again. No, she shrugged the thought off, Joey wouldn't be there.

They arrived at the wharf, the first thing they saw was a gaping hole in one of the buildings, a hole was an understatement, almost half of the building was gone. The paramedics were already there and several ambulances were ready to take those injured to the hospital. Firefighters was storming the place, they had already put out the fire caused by the explosions and now they were securing the place.

Charlie ran towards the scene closely followed by Watson. They were met by Angelo. "What's the situation?" Charlie didn't waste any time chatting. "A gas tank exploded, setting off several others. We have found one man dead, Some one identified him as Robert Cruz. Aden got some splinters in him, he was having lunch here with his crewmates, he's taken to the hospital now. There are some older men that have been slightly injured."

"Crewmates? What did he mean crewmates, he's boat is supposed to be out now, where is Joey?" Charlie felt like she couldn't breathe, if Aden was here, Joey wouldn't be far away.

"Move! Get out of the way!" Two paramedics came running past them with a stretcher between them. Charlie followed them, Angelo was a little in front of her, then suddenly he turned and caught her. Charlie realized what it was, she knew it when the paramedics came running. "Angelo, let me go!" She struggled to get out of his arms. He held her tight and turned his body so that she couldn't see what was going on. He held on hand on the back of her head, pressing it into his chest and the other he held around her back, keeping her from getting away from him. he looked at the scene over her head, this was something Charlie didn't have to see.

Angelo was strong and Charlie realized that she couldn't get out of his arms. She relaxed, which resulted in him loosening his grip a little, she saw her chance and tore away from him. He caught her again but not before she saw the figure laying on the stretcher. She recognized her body, her clothes and her long dark hair. She couldn't see her face, they had wrapped some material that originally was white, but now was red, around her head and face, but what she did see was a piece of metal sticking out from where no metal ought to be sticking out. Charlie bent over and threw up, a majority of it landed on Angelo's shoes.

"Let's go to the hospital." Watson came up to her, she was deadly pale. She had seen Joey's injuries, it didn't look good. "The others will take care of everything here, I'll drive you." She took a hold of Charlie's elbow and led her to the car.


	2. Chapter 2

**Well, I did appologize before hand... *runs and hide for cover* and I learned that I have a neuro psych student as a reader, suddenly I'm scared...  
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_This is nice, I don't know, it just seems so peaceful. Empty, nothing but sand. It's so beautiful over there ,the light, the sun, the colors are fantastic, I think I'll walk over. All around, nothing, but I don't miss anything. I don't like the clouds over there though, I'm glad they are opposite from the light. It's dark over by the clouds, I don't like it, it hurts over there, I don't know why, but it does._

_I like the light, I'll just forget about the cloud, the darkness. I'll walk away from it, there's nothing for me there. _

_Is it only me here? There should be others, or maybe not. Over by the light, once I get there everything will be ok._

_When did I get here? _

_Have I ever been anywhere else? _

_I have to reach the light._

---

Charlie was sitting on a chair in the waiting area, she couldn't stop fidgeting. She had been there for hours, and no one had told her anything. She knew Angelo had seen it all, and Watson too, but they didn't say a word. She buried her face in her hands, the ice-cold hands around her heart had made her numb, she couldn't feel a thing.

A hand touched her shoulder, she looked up into brown eyes filled with compassion looking back at her. Rachel was one of her best friends, the first one in the Bay she had told about Joey. "How's she doing?" Charlie could hardly utter the question, she dreaded the answer so much.

"I'm sorry, I don't know, I'm not the one doing the surgery, there is a neurosurgeon working on her."

"It's bad… when she needs a specialist…" Charlie felt tears burning behind her eyes.

"Look, we don't know anything yet, I'm going to check on how they're doing. I attended to Aden though, you can see him if you want to, just don't put him through a third degree just yet."

"I'd like to see him, and I won't."

---

"Hey, how are you doing?" Charlie walked into Aden's room. He was sitting in bed, bare chested, showing off little patches of bandages covering the side and front of his torso, and he had one arm in a sling.

"Not too bad, it hurts a little, how is Joey doing?" He knew that compared to her, he had just been scratched.

"I don't know, they are still working on her." Charlie sat down on the edge of the bed. "I promised Rachel I wouldn't interrogate you, but… You where there with Joey…"

Aden closed his eyes. "yeah, we didn't go out today, we were just doing maintenance. At lunch we joined the others, we were all sitting on the railing when we heard an explosion, before we could react there was more, and the whole wall came flying at us. Joey pushed me down, but she got the whole thing in the face… "

Belle, his girlfriend came rushing through the doors at that moment, Charlie decided to leave them to it, she squeezed Aden's arm and left them.

---

"How is she doing doctor?" Rachel had dressed in scrubs and came into the theater. "Ah, Rachel, this girl must have a guardian angel, the splinter hardly touched her brain. It looked bad, but she couldn't have been luckier. There will be swelling though, and we need to keep her in a coma until that's under control. There might be a risk for some kind of brain damage, but we won't know until she wakes up."

Rachel sighed of relief, she would never have guessed this when she received Joey and saw the piece sticking out of her head.

"Maybe you care to assist the ophthalmologist, he is just about to come and clean up her eyes, there's some splinters in there."

Another doctor came through the doors and was assisted by a nurse to get on mask and glows. He walked over and nodded to the two doctors. "Ok, let's have a look." He removed the bandages covering her eyes. "Hm, well, let's get to work." He swung the microscope over and started the clean up.

---

_I do wonder what kind of place this is, I have walked for eternity, but I don't get any closer to the light. I want the light, I can feel the darkness creeping up on me, it scares me. I don't want to turn and look, I can hear voices in there, but I haven't heard any of them before. It's noisy there, I don't like it. _

_My head hurts…Maybe if I rest for a while… _

_---_

Rachel walked through the doors into the waiting area, Charlie saw her and jumped up. "Rachel, do you know anything?" Rachel looked at her friend, she was pale and shaking, she looked scared.

She smiled at her, grabbed her elbow and sat down with her. "That is one lucky girl we have in there. The surgery went well, she has a fractured skull, and there will be swelling, so we'll have to keep her in a coma until that is under control. With these kinds of trauma, there's always a risk of brain damage, but we won't know that until she wakes up. She had some splinters in her eyes, but none of them has permanently damaged her eyes. We have her bandaged up, so she can't see anything, her eyes need rest to heal, but we're positive that she will regain full sight."

Charlie leaned into Rachel and sighed, "She'll be ok?"

"Yes, it might take some time, but she should be ok."

---

Charlie sat by Joey's bed, it had been three days since the accident. She had stayed there most of the time, just going home to shower and change clothes. Rachel had tried to talk her into going home and get some sleep, but she found it impossible to relax away from Joey.

Sitting by Joey's bed had given her plenty of time to dwell on their relationship. She had talked to Joey, sharing her feelings. The more she talked, the more she saw how much she loved Joey. She had to be ok, there was no other option.

Today Joey would be taken out of the coma, Charlie couldn't wait to talk to her again, hear her beautiful voice saying her name.

---

_I don't like it here anymore, that light is only teasing me. I will never reach it, I never get closer, I don't know how long I've been walking. I don't want to be here, but I don't know how to get away. _

_The darkness is getting me. I can feel it, I hate it… I don't know what to do! _

_This hurts so bad, my head is exploding. I have to get away, the voices in there, I can't hare what they are saying, I don't know who they belong to. I have to run, I have to get away from this. _

_It feels like my heart is beating its way out of me, I have to keep running. God, there are hands touching me, I don't know who they belong to… Please let me reach the light, I'm hurting so bad…_

_I can't breathe… The voices, I don't know who they are, I'm so scared, let me go, oh please let me go!_

_Why can't anybody hear me?_


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm looking carefully around, posting one more part before I quickly go back into hiding...**

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"Rachel!" The nurse motioned to the heart monitor. Charlie saw it and looked at the screen, she hadn't really noticed it before, but know she could see that her heart was beating abnormally fast.

"Rachel what's happening?" Rachel didn't notice Charlie's whisper. She leaned over Joey and took a hold of her hands. She spoke to her with a loud voice, "Joey, it's Rachel, if you can hear me squeeze my hands!"

"Get a mild sedative," She turned to the nurse," She is scared." The nurse rushed out of the room

"How do you know, she isn't moving a muscle." Charlie moved closer to the bed.

"Look at the heart beat and the BP, she is awake, she just can't communicate."

Charlie looked at the part of Joey's face that was visible, there wasn't even a twitch. She froze, "Rachel!" Charlie grabbed a hold of her arm, she pointed to Joey's face, the bandages started to get wet on either side of her nose.

---

_Get me out of here!_

_Why can't anybody hear me, I'm screaming from the top of my lungs. I have never been so scared, there are hands touching me, voices talking and I don't know any of them. I don't want to be here, I want to go back to the light._

_This is just scary and painful, why am I in such a place? Get me away from this!_

_That feels different… Maybe this isn't so bad after all…There's no sand under me, what happened?_

_There's that voice again, I like it, I want to see who it belongs to, why is it so dark?  
Listen for the voice, it belongs to somebody… I need to see…_

_Someone is holding my hands, the voice tells me to squeeze… I do, I squeeze them, why does the voice tell me to do it again, I already did… I'm so tired, I have to sleep._

---

"She's sleeping," Rachel turned her focus away from Joey, "you can tell by her respiration and heartbeat."

"Why didn't she move?" Charlie was crying.

"Sometimes the mind wakes up before the body, it's really scary, you can't move, talk or do anything, but your mind is fully alert. I think that's what happened."

"You don't… you don't think it's brain damage causing it?"

"We won't know until she wakes again, we just have to wait and see…" Rachel wished she could say a definite no, but she couldn't.

---

_It feels different, I'm lying in a bed, but I don't know why… Where am I? Why is it so dark? Is it night? But there's light even at night… I don't like this… There is something covering my eyes, I can't open them. I have to get it off, I need to see._

_Hey! Let go of my hands, I don't know who's holding me, please let me go! Take it off, let me see, I'm scared! I have to get away, I have to get out of here!_

_No… more hands are holding me, are they the creatures in the clouds? Tell me, who are you?_

_Oh no, I can't breathe, there is something in my throat, Get it out, someone, get it out!_

_There's that voice again, from before. She tells me to relax… I like her voice… Relax, do as she says… I have tube in my throat… what is that?  
I can breathe when I relax… Cough… She wants me to cough…_

_Oh, I think I'll throw up, what is happening to me, what are they dragging out f me?_

_I can breathe… I can draw air in, hold it and let it out… that feels good… I wonder where I am? _

"Where…" Joey's voice was barely a whisper. Charlie tightened her grip around her hand, the other was lying on her shoulder, keeping her down in case she tried to get up again.

"You're in the hospital." Rachel answered, speaking loud and clear.

"Why…" The word was more a breath than a word.

"There was an accident, down at the wharf." Rachel answered again.

"Water…"

The nurse reached a few cotton swabs, drenched in something lemony. "Joey, I'm going to put some swabs in your mouth, such on them." Rachel held two to her lips.

_I like that voice, it's something I can hold on to in this darkness. I wish I knew who she is, where I am. It feels like I'm in the middle of nothing, it scares me. I was so alone in the dessert, but it was nice, I had the light, all I wanted was to get to the light, why didn't I reach it?_

_There is someone here, that voice has to belong to someone. There are hands touching me, who do they belong to? I need to know who she is, if there's anybody else here._

"Who are you?" Joey's voice was a little stronger this time.

"I'm Rachel, but you shouldn't try to speak, you need to rest," Rachel put a hand on her cheek.

"I like your voice, you sound like a nice person." Joey whispered.

Rachel was filled with concern, something wasn't right. She looked at Charlie who was clutching on to Joey's hand. "Joey, Charlie is here…" She waited for the response.

"Charlie… Who?"

"Joey, it's me!" Charlie spoke for the first time, she had been to occupied being relieved that she had woken up.

Joey turned her head slightly to the voice. "You have a nice voice too? Why is it so dark? It scares me!" her voice was barely more than a whisper, but it wasn't hard to hear the fright in it.

"Rachel, what's happening?" Charlie looked at Rachel, she was scared and confused.

"Do you remember anything from the accident?" Rachel was more concerned about Joey than Charlie.

"No…"

"You got hurt, you have bandages over your eyes, that's why you can't see." Rachel paused, giving Joey time to understands what she said before she continued. "Do you remember your name?"

"I… you called me Joey…"

"Do you remember your last name?"

"No…"

"Ok, that's fine, don't think about it, Charlie and I are going to leave you, just for a moment, but the nurse will be here, her name is Karen. Just relax and get some sleep, it'll do you good!"

_What's happening to me…  
What is she talking about? Accident, I don't remember an accident…Who are they… Who am I? Relax she said… I'm tired… I can't think…_


	4. Chapter 4

Rachel walked around Joey's bed and put her arm around Charlie's waist, "Let's go outside and talk." She whispered to her. She took Charlie's hand and loosened her fingers from the vice she had around Joey's hand. Charlie let herself be led out.

Rachel closed the door behind them and Charlie fell into her arms. "What's wrong with her?" She managed to get out between sobs.

"It looks like she suffers from amnesia." Rachel held the crying woman, she really wanted to cry herself.

"She didn't know who I am… She loves me, I love her!" Charlie could hardly stand up, it was only Rachel's arms that kept her in upright position. "When… When will she remember again?"

"It's hard to say… it can take hours, days."

"But she will?"

"It's very seldom that amnesia last for more than a day or so. Often the memory is triggered by something. Pictures, places, people…"

"Rachel… all those things are things you can see…Joey… she can't…" Charlie started to sob again. She felt like she had lost her love, even if her body was still here.

"Charlie that she can't see is only temporary, and it can also be smells, tastes, feelings, memory is not depended on sight, don't give up! She has only been awake for a few hours, she needs time."

---

_Is it day or night? Where am I… I can't hear anything. Rachel said the she and Charlie would be right back… I can't hear anyone. Maybe they left me…How am I supposed to know? I have to get this off!_

Charlie woke by Joey lifting her hands to her head, she jumped up and caught her hands, resulting in Joey screaming.

"Joey, Joey, I'm sorry, it's me, Charlie!" Charlie tried to settle her down, she realized she had scared her by not warning her that she was there. A nurse came rushing into the room, she had heard the screams.

"She tried to get the bandages off, I scared her when I grabbed her hands." Charlie explained.

"Joey, it's Karen, you need to relax, ok? It was only Charlie, she didn't mean to scare you." The nurse took Joey's hands and put them down. Joey started to calm down. "Are you ok now?"

"Yeah…"

"Good, I leave but Charlie is staying." The nurse left them.

"Charlie?" Joey's voice was shaking.

"Yeah, I'm here." Charlie grabbed her hands and sat down on the bed.

"Charlie… who are you?"

Charlie started to cry again, she couldn't answer.

"You're crying…" Joey felt the shaking in Charlie's body. She loosened her hands from hers, and let them follow her arms up, over the shoulders and to her neck. Slowly she let her fingers run up her neck, meeting the jaw. She traced the shape to her chin, where her fingers met and then follow the line out until she met the ear. Neither of them talking.

Charlie sat completely still, Joey had done the same thing the first time she had come home with her from the hospital after the storm. The feeling of her fingers on her face made her cry even more..

Joey let her fingers follow her hairline until the fingers met on her forehead. She let them run down to the eyebrows, following them out. Then she flattened her hands and let both of them cover Charlie's face. She used her thumbs to wipe the tears away.

"You are beautiful…" Joey mumbled.

"Do you remember me?" Charlie was suddenly full of hope.

"No… it's just that it feels like I have done that before…Who are you?"

"Joey… I…We…" Charlie wasn't able to form a complete sentence. She took Joey's hands, took her thumb and index finger on her right hand and led her to the ring on her left.

"What… " Joey didn't get it. Charlie took her right hand again and let her fingers feel her own ring. She let her fingers run from Charlie's hand to her own and back again. "We have the same rings…"

"We do, we gave them to each other just a few weeks ago… On our two years anniversary…"

"What…? But I don't know who you are…" Joey pulled her hands away from her.

"Joey, we have known each other since we were eighteen. We love each other!" Charlie was getting desperate, Joey had to know who she was.

"Charlie… I'm sorry… please go…"

"You want me to leave you?"

" Charlie, I don't know you… I don't even remember how old I am. I'm scared and confused… You're not making it any better."

"I'm sorry… I shouldn't have… can I come back in the afternoon?"

"Charlie, I don't know what time it is… "

"It's two in the morning… I leave now… I'm sorry…"

_God, I hate this… I made her cry, and I don't know why. We have rings, I don't know what that means, are we together? How can we be, I don't know who she is… I have a ring given to me by a woman, I don't even know what she looks like. I don't even know what I look like…I hate this darkness, I have to get out of it, it scares me. It's like someone is lurking in there somewhere. _

_I have to see!_

_I can feel my face… I can feel the bandages… I have to get them off, I can't stand this, Someone is going to hurt me._

"Hey, Joey you can't do that!"

_Who's that? No, don't stop me… I can't take this!_

"Sorry Joey, I have to restrain you, you have to let the bandages be"

"Who are you, please, I'm scared, let me see!" Joey tried to get loose from the arms holding her.

"You are blind, you can't see, but you can't carry on like this. I can't keep an eye on you all the time, and clearly you can't let the bandages be."

Joey felt something being tied around her wrist, and then the other. A strong hand was holding hers down. "No, don't do this to me! Let me loose, you scare me, who are you!" Joey was screaming.

---

_What am I supposed to do? She can't remember me, it hurts so bad. I just made it worse, I scared her. I wonder how it's like, not knowing who anybody is? It must be scary… I shouldn't have drawn her focus to the rings, but what am I supposed to do?_

_I can't lose her now, we have been through too much. She will remember again, she has to!_

Charlie sat out in the waiting area when Joey's voice interrupted her thoughts. She looked around, there were no nurses there. She got up and headed for her room, she pushed the door open, she froze as she saw an elderly nurse tying Joey's wrist to the bed.

"Joey, it's Charlie, that can't be necessary!" She went over to the nurse.

"What do you know about that? I'm the nurse here!"

"Can't you see that you scare her? You can't do this, I won't let you!"

"Look, she tries to get the bandages off, I can't babysit her, this is the only solution!" The nurse started to fasten the bandages Joey had managed to get off.

"Look, I'll stay, I make sure she doesn't touch them, just get her loose!" Charlie felt anger burning inside, she knew that there would be a complaint heading towards this person.

The nurse glared at her, "I hold you accountable if she manage to do damage to herself, and I make a note that I loosened her against better judgment!" She took a pair of scissors and cut the gauze she had used for restraint.

"Joey, I'm here!" Charlie grabbed both Joey's hands as the nurse left the room.

"Charlie, I'm so scared… I need light, it feels like someone is going to hurt me…"

"Joey, there is no one here to hurt you, I promise!"

"That person… she didn't even tell me who she was, suddenly someone just grabbed me…" Joey was sobbing now.

"I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have left you!" Charlie cried too.

"I don't remember you… but can you hold me, I'm so scared…"

"Off course I can," Charlie flipped off her shoes and carefully crawled into bed with Joey. Slowly and gently she slid her arm under her neck, and Joey came to rest in the crook of her arm. She guided her hand up to her own and intertwined their fingers. She took Joey's other arm and placed on top of her stomach and placed her own on top of hers again.

Joey took a few deep breaths through her nose. "I know that smell…"


	5. Chapter 5

_I don't like it here. It's like a maze, and I don't know where I'm supposed to go. There are so many rooms and doors to open, but all I can sense behind the doors is hurt and danger. _

_That smell tough, I want to go to the room where the smell belongs. I know it's Charlie, but I don't know who she is, but at the same time I have this feeling that I know her. As if we have met in another life. I don't remember her, but I remember her essence. _

_That scent, it makes me feel good. Like I'm safe, nothing can hurt me. I feel like I belong to that smell, it's a part of me. It calls for me, I know that somewhere in this darkness there's a place where all things good that belongs with that smell are. I just can't find it, it's calling me, I want to get there. _

_There are so many things here that scares me. Every second I wait for something to get me, hands to grasp me, voices to scream at me. I don't want to be here. If I could just find that place._

_I can feel her holding me, it's scary and safe at the same time. There's a body laying next to me, I have no idea who it is, it's just that scent._

_When I traced her face, I have done it before, I know. That feeling, I wish I knew her. If I could just find that place…_

_---_

_God, I think I need your help. I'm laying in bed with a woman that have no idea who I am, and we have loved each other since we were eighteen. I lost her once, I can't lose her again. I don't know what to do, my heart is shattered. She pushed me away, I know I'm the love of her life, how is it possible that she doesn't remember me?_

_All the good times we have shared, the bad times, we have been together through it all. I can't live without her again. Parts of me almost died that last time, if I lost her again I would die. Seeing her like this, so scared and lonely in her world. I wish I could join her, show her the way. _

_I want to be in the darkness with her. Let her know she is not alone. I'm here, but to her I'm just a body. God, what am I supposed to do? How can I reach her? _

_I have no future without her, let her find her way back to me!_

_---_

"Charlie?"

"I'm here Joey."

"Your scent, I know your scent. It's so dark, I can't even describe how scary this is. There's only one thing , that smell… It's like it calls me. I wish I knew who you are."

"You will Joey, this won't last forever. And I'm here, I won't go. I know that you don't remember me, but I have to tell you I love you. I wish I could show you the way, that I could light up the darkness for you." Charlie felt tears run down her cheeks.

"I'm tired, I want to get out of here, but I can't. Charlie, please just hold me."

Charlie squeezed even closer to Joey, putting a leg over hers, burring her nose in the indentation under Joey's ear. "I'll always hold you Honey!"

---

Rachel was working dayshift and the first thing she did was to head straight for Joey's room. She knocked before she entered, she smiled at the sight that met her. Charlie was lying on her back with Joey on her arm, their hands tightly knit together. Joey had turned slightly sideways, seeking close to Charlie. They both looked like they were sleeping.

Rachel walked over to the bed, easing the chart out of its holder.

"Who's there?" Joey whispered.

"It's Rachel, sorry, I thought you were sleeping." Rachel walked closer to Joey and put a hand on her arm.

Charlie stirred too and opened her eyes, She carefully moved her hand that was still laying on top of Joey's, the one under her head she couldn't feel anymore. "Hi Joey, I'm awake, I'm just going to sit up." Joey released her hold around her fingers. Charlie eased her way out of bed, stretching and moving her arm to wake it up.

"Let's just lift your head a little, so that you can sit," Rachel took a hold of the head end of the bed and lifted it slowly.

"I like your voice… Who are you?"

"I'm your doctor and I'm your friend."

"Friend...But I don't know who you are…what is happening with me?"

"You have amnesia, you had a head injury."

"Amnesia… that's memory loss, isn't it?"

"It is."

"When will I start to remember again?"

"Joey… We don't know, it varies from person to person, it can take hours, days. Do you remember anything at all?"

"I don't know… I have smelled Charlie before, or I recognize the scent, and… I don't know… Rachel… can I feel you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Sorry, can I touch your face?"

"Sure you can!" Rachel sat down on the bed next to her. Joey lifted her hands found her arms and followed them up to her shoulders and from there to her neck. She let her fingers run up the side of her face, into her hair. She let them stroke her forehead, over the eyebrows, the eyes and nose. She hesitated when she felt the corner of her mouth before she let her index and middle finger rest on her lips.

"You don't feel nothing like Charlie…" Joey let her hand drop.

"No, I don't look anything like her." Rachel chuckled a little.

"No, that's not what I mean… You don't make me feel the way she does. When I touch Charlie, my fingers tingle… I know I have touched her before… I have never touch you before have I?"

"Not like that, we have hugged, our arms touched, but you have never touch my face like that."

Charlie followed what happened intently, seeing Joey rest her fingers on Rachel's lips stung, but the rest made her heart sing.

There's another thing… It's sounds stupid, but I feel like someone is just waiting to hurt me… Rachel, there was a nurse in her before… She said I'm blind…Is it true?"

"Joey, you got some splinters in your eyes, and you have bandages over them. Your eyes needs time to heal, that's why you can't see. I'm going to change them today, your vision will be blurry, but it will be good to know how the healing process is going."

"Rachel, the darkness scares me… I don't think I can handle it. If Charlie hadn't been here before, I think I would go insane. That nurse, she restrained me, she didn't say her name or anything, I was so scared… Do you have to put the bandages on again?"

"I'm sorry we do, your eyes need rest, and that's the only way to give them that. Joey, I'll make sure that something like to night never happens again."

"Joey, I'm here for you, I won't leave your side!" Charlie grabbed her hand and held it between her two. "I promisse!"


	6. Chapter 6

Rachel had turned off all the light in the room, it was still light, but not as bright as it had been. A nurse had come to assist her with changing the bandages. Charlie was anxious, how much would Joey be able to see, would she recognize her? She felt her heart beat faster and faster as more and more of the bandages came off.

"Are you ready?" Rachel was about to remove the last of the bandages covering her eyes. Joey nodded and tightened her grip around Charlie's hand.

"I'll have to clean your eyes before you can try and open them, there will be some puss that glues the eyelids together, so relax, and you'll feel something cold and wet. It's not dangerous." Rachel spoke soft and low to give Joey a sense of security. Joey nodded in response.

_Please let me see, I hate this darkness, it's like it consumes me. I want to see what Charlie looks like, what Rachel looks like. I just have names and voices, I want to have faces. _

_There's light! Oh god, there's light! I never want to go back into the darkness. This is wonderful, I have my eyes closed, but I can see that there's light!_

"There's light!" Joey whispered. Charlie looked at the big grin spreading across her face. She sighed from relief. On the outside it didn't look very good, there was bruising and several cuts, some were glued and taped together.

"That's great!" Rachel smiled while she used some wipes to clean her eyes. "Ok, Try and open your eyes, I'll help you if you can't, but it would be best if you manage on your own."

"It hurts… "

"I know, you have a lot of little cuts, of course it hurts."

Joey struggled for a while before she finally managed a squint. Her smile disappeared. "I can't see you…"

"Nothing?" Rachel frowned, that didn't sound good.

"There's light and darkness, and figures, but I can't see what they are…"

Rachel smiled in relief. "That is normal, it will improve as your eyes heal. You just need to rest them!"

The nurse handed her new bandages, "Joey, I'm just going to put on new ones."

"No, Rachel, please don't, don't put me back in the dark. I'll keep my eyes shot, I'll do anything" There's light here, I can't go back there! Rachel please don't make me!" Joey started to panic. Charlie looked at her, begging, "Rachel, do you have to?" It broke her heart to see Joey so scared.

"I'm so sorry Joey, I have to!" Rachel didn't like it any more than Charlie.

"No, please don't. I get lost, I'll disappear in there, it scares me, don't make me go there!" Joey started to fight with her.

"Get her some sedative," Rachel turned to the nurse. She let go of the bandages she held and grabbed her hands instead. Charlie had let go of her and stepped back, she didn't know what to do.

"Joey, there is no way around it, but We'll give you some medication, it will calm you down, and you won't be scared. You'll be relaxed and you'll sleep. It will be fine, ok?"

The nurse came back, Rachel drew up the drug and injected her. It didn't take long before she was sleeping. Rachel started to dress her head. "I'm sorry Charlie, this is the only way to do it, we might have to keep her sedated for the next few days, until we can get this off."

Charlie stepped up to the bed again and used her fingers to wipe away the tears on Joey's face. It had been heartbreaking to watch her pleading with Rachel. She looked at Rachel, she had a tear in the corner of her eye, this wasn't easy for her either.

---

_Why can't I get out of this nightmare? This house or whatever it is. There are so many halls, doors and rooms. I know I have to be in one of them, but I can't find it. I just walk and walk, but I never find my way. I don't want to be here, but I can't find my way out._

_It's scary here, I have never been so frightened in my whole life, maybe I have, I can't remember my whole life. _

_Is that what's behind the doors, my life? I don't like it… There are someone lurking here… If my life is behind these doors, there has to be a door that leads to Charlie… A room where that smell belongs. If I could just find it. It feels like it's calling me… If I'm still and listen, maybe…_

_I can feel it tugging my heart, just forget about the other doors, concentrate, it leads me, I can feel I'm getting closer…_

_I found it, it's here. Behind the door… I'm nervous, what will I find… it calls me, I have to enter…_

_That scent… I can't see a thing, but that scent is here. This is a good room, this is where I want to stay. I just close the door, I don't care what's outside. I just want to stay here…_

_---_

They kept her sedated. Charlie stayed with her day and night, but seldom did she communicate. Rachel said it was because of the drugs, that didn't make it any easier. Ruby had been in to visit several times, but Joey hadn't been very responsive to her either. She was staying at Ross and Morag for the time being, she didn't like it, but Charlie didn't give her a choice.

This whole ordeal had taken its toll on Charlie, and this was only the beginning. Today though, was the day they would remove the bandages and stop sedating her. Charlie looked forward to having her there again. When she could see and not being so scared anymore, that meant they could start working on getting her memory back.

---

Charlie and Rachel sat by Joey's bed, keeping an eye on her. Rachel had removed the bandages and they were waiting for her to wake up. She was bruised and swollen around her eyes and forehead, but it looked much better than last time they had removed the bandages a week earlier.

Charlie was grateful that Rachel was the doctor, they were friends, and she didn't have to explain anything to her. Something about her reminded her about her mother, Charlie still didn't know exactly what, but having her around was comforting.

_Something has changed… _

_It's light, it really is light, it's not like what I saw in the desert, this is real light. I hope they are not teasing me. I don't know where I've been lately, I couldn't feel, couldn' t see, couldn't think. _

Joey stirred, and both of them jumped up, a little anxious about her reaction. Charlie grabbed her hand.

"Charlie?" Joey croaked.

"I'm here, and so is Rachel." Charlie smiled at the fact that Joey had asked after her first.

"We have removed the bandages, so when you're ready you can open your eyes!" Rachel put a hand on her arm and spoke softly to her,

"Yeah, it's light…you don't have to put them on again?"

"No, you won't need them anymore!" Rachel smiled at the sigh of relief that Joey uttered.

Joey tried to open her eyes, it took a few attempts before she succeeded. Her eyes watered as she tried to focus.

"Can you see?" Rachel watch her eyes trying to focus.

"I… it's so blurry…" Joey looked around in the room. She could see figures and shapes, she blinked a few times and her vision slowly improved. She saw Rachel's curls, the smile on her face, it was disturbing, she didn't recognize her at all. She felt tears welling up, she closed her eyes.

_I don't know her, I really don't! I thought maybe when I saw her I would know her. I don't see her clearly, but clear enough to know that I don't recognize her. I thought this nightmare would be over when I could see… I guess it's not._

_And Charlie… what if I don't recognize her either? She has been here a lot, I feel like I ought to know her, what will happen when I see her?_

Charlie lifted her hand and stroke the tears away from Joey's face.

"I'm just scared, I don't recognize Rachel… What if I don't recognize you?" Joey lifted her hands and touched Charlie's face.

"You don't know until you look, and if you don't we'll take it from there!" Charlie tried to control her tears, she had no idea what to do.

Slowly Joey opened her eyes, blinked a few times and stared at her. She let her fingers run over her face, over her eyes, nose and lips. She stared at her, putting a hand behind her neck and pulled her closer, placing her lips on hers. "I remember you, I don't remember anything else, but I remember you!"


	7. Chapter 7

_In this scary world of mine, there has only been one thing I could hold on to, only one that has given me peace. I feel safe with her, in the room I found where nothing bad can ever happen. I don't want to lose it. I didn't recognize Rachel, what if I can't recognize Charlie?_

_I have this feeling, like a bodily inprint, she is a part of me, I have a feeling that I know what she looks like, but what if I open my eyes and find that I'm wrong? She feels like the only thing tying me to this world. Can I lose my lifeline? If I open my eyes, and her eyes is not the ones I see in here, If I open my eyes and her lips are not the ones I remember. If I open my eyes and it's all a lie?_

_In this haze of mine, there has been one voice calling, one person has slowly come into view. It has been like walking in a forest, with the haze covering the floor, she has been walking, calling for me, encouraged me to follow her. The smile she gave me, looking over her shoulder, the trail of her scent laying in the air. _

_She stopped and kissed me, cool air surrounding us, she was warm, pulling me into her, embracing me. Her arms protects me, her body fills me with serenity. Her lips overflows with honey, she taste so sweet and soft. I could stay in there forever, in the place, the room, where all this is. What if I open my eyes and it all goes away?_

_What if I lose her? At the same time, she feels right, her face, her body. She smells right, but I don't recognize her voice. In here, it's like she calls me with her thoughts, I can't hear her voice, it's like we communicate soul with soul. _

_I can't stay like this though, I have to see her. I just pray that she is the one I think she is…_

_My eyes are open, I know they are, the fingers resting on her face are mine, I remember her, she is the one walking with me! God, how can I ever express my gratitude? It is her, the voice calling me, the arms keeping me safe, The body holding me close in the darkness. The lips that I have kissed so many times, the lips that tells me she loves me. I got to taste them again._

_I was not mistaken, she is the one, the soul that belongs with my soul. Our lips fit so perfectly together, like they always have._

_I wanted something to hold on to… I have!_

Charlie had tears streaming down her face, Joey's hand was still holding around her neck, she looked into her brown, still sore eyes. "You remember me?" She whispered.

"I do, you were with me, since that last time they took of the bandages, I have seen you, in y mind you have walked with me. I knew what you looked like, how you make me feel, the taste of your lips." Joey let her hand run from Charlie's neck to her lips, she let two fingers rest on them.

"You are everything I can remember, the feelings you give me. I still can't see you clearly, but clearly enough. You have blue eyes that changes color after light and mood, you have a scar high on your forehead, up in your hair." Joey let her fingers glide up and find the hidden scar.

"You make me feel safe and protected and you sleep on the right side of the bed." Joey smiled, letting her hand run down to her cheek. Charlie grabbed her hand and kissed that palm, tears streaming down her face.

"Joey… that you remember me… I can't describe how wonderful that makes me feel. I have been waiting for you the past two weeks, not knowing what would be. I know there's a long road ahead, but Honey, I'll walk with you every step of it!" Charlie lowered their hands, suddenly remembering that Rachel was still there.

"When can she go home, Rachel?" Charlie turned to Rachel standing on the other side of the bed.

"I think we'll keep you a day or two longer, giving you time to recover more and then you can go home!" Rachel smiled, she had followed the conversation and was relieved that Joey remembered some, it was a good start.

---

"Are you sure you want to come in?" Charlie looked at Joey sitting in the passenger seat, she was still bruised and swollen around her eyes, and she had a slightly distressed look in her face.

"yeah, I think so, I haven't seen anybody here… I'm nervous though…" Joey looked at the building in front, trying to recognize it. She unbuckled her seat belt and got out of the car. Charlie walked around and took her hand, together they walked towards the door.

---

_This was a stupid idea, why didn't I let her go in by herself? Everybody is staring at me, and I don't know any of them. I know that they know me, but do they have to stare, I'm not an alien! We should have just gone straight home, or I should have stayed in the car._

_All these people touching me, patting me on the shoulder, they just blur into one, it feels like they are all after me, trying to get a hold of me. I want to scream, I don't want to be here!"_

Charlie looked at Joey's face, displaying increasing panic. Joey had wanted to go in with her, obvious, that had been a mistake. There wasn't a lot of people there, but enough and everyone came over to say hi. They didn't take into consideration that Joey didn't remember anything, except from Leah who had introduced herself properly.

Joey was fidgeting, she looked at Charlie with desperation, suddenly she jumped up from her seat and headed for the door, Charlie followed her. Through the door came a boy that lit up at the sight of Joey.

"Jo!" VJ jumped up on her, wanting to give her a hug. Joey was caught by surprise, but manage to grab him under the arms and hoist him up. She looked into his eyes, trying to focus on the boy. It was nearly impossible, she felt like a hundred voices was screaming at her. She felt her legs trembling, Charlie reached out her hand and took a hold of her elbow.

"Can we go sailing again?" VJ threw his arms around her neck and hugged her, she hugged him back. She looked at Charlie with a question in her eyes, Charlie nodded.

"Sure we can little man, not today, but maybe next week?"

"Yeah! I love your boat!" VJ jumped down and ran for his mother. Joey watch him and felt a sting on the inside, she wondered about her own mother.

Charlie slipped an arm around her waist, "You ok?"

Joey shook her head, "I don't know… " She turned and looked at her, "I have a boat?"

"Yeah, you do, it's down by the pier, it's a sailboat, you called it 'Charlie'"

"It's a 42 feet Bavaria," Joey mumbled, looking like she was a hundred miles away.

"It is, you remember it?"

"No… I don't know… Can we go home?" Joey rubbed her forehead with her hands.

---

Charlie walked behind Joey into their home, she tried to see what she was seeing, wondering if she recognized anything. She could see Joey looking all around, not settling on anything before she saw the photomontage. Charlie chewed her lip, "Do you remember anything?"

_This is so strange, I'm a stranger in what apparently is my own home. Pictures of me and Charlie, they make me smile, I was right, we have a life together. Those four…_

"Those pictures…" Joey pointed to the montage.

"It's from when we first met, we we're eighteen, we took them …"

"In a photo booth." Joey finished for her.

"Yeah, we kept two each and we decided to make copies and had that made." Charlie put the bag with food on the kitchen table and turned back to her. She noticed the distressed look on Joey's face. "Honey, what's wrong?"

Joey started to cry, Charlie put her arms around her. "Charlie, I see this and I don't remember it. I don't know why I know those pictures are taken in a boot. I don't know how we got there, how we got here…. I don't know if I want to know… I try to look around in my head, and there is nowhere in there I want to go." Joey collapsed on the floor, Charlie followed her down.

"Honey, you have to remember, you can't stop yourself."Charlie held her tight and tried to comfort her.

"You know me, tell me, what great things is there to remember?" Joey almost spat at her. Charlie wrapped herself around her.

_Oh god, what do I say? Should I tell her that her mother is dead, beaten out of the house by her father. A father that was alcoholic and abused her too? Shall I tell her that her brother has been bashing her almost to death? There isn't much good in her life, but am I the one to judge that?_

_I really don't know what to say. I don't want to tell her, she doesn't know, who knows how she'll react to it. I remember her as eighteen, she was so jumpy and insecure, always afraid that Brett would hurt her. Just a sudden noise and she jumped into the high heavens. _

_But we had those three months, the months that I remember, that laid the foundation of what we have today. We were separated for four years, but it shaped us to the people we are today. The thrill of finding each other again. The two wonderful years we have had, the friends, and good memories from her family. _

"Joey, there's a lot of shit, but there is heaps of good too!" Charlie rocked her slowly.

"Charlie, I can't deal with it, I'm so tired. You have no idea how awful this is. It feels like I have a hundred voices screaming in my head, but I can't understand what they say. There's only one place that it peaceful, where it's good to be, and that is with you." Joey rested her head on Charlie's shoulders, her forehead leaning into her neck.

"Joey, I ain't going nowhere!"


	8. Chapter 8

**this is short, but it doesn't flow if I try to link it with what happens next, this is a sigh from Charlie, a little peek into her mind in all this**

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_Why do I feel so lonely? I have her here on my arm, she is snuggling so close to me, you couldn't even fit a hair between us. Still in a way it's like she's not here. She remembers me, but not who I am. She knows the feeling I give her, but she doesn't know how we got here. _

_I guess I should be happy… Happy for what she does remember, I'm just scared she decides that's enough. Scared that she doesn't want to remember. Rachel said that amnesia usually doesn't last more than a day or so. It has been a week, and all she remembers are fragments of me. _

_It feels so lonely to be the only one with the memories, I want to be loved by her like she used to love me. I know that she loves me now, but it isn't the same. How can you truly love someone you don't know? She can love the feeling I give her, and I want to give her that feeling, but that doesn't mean that she loves me. _

_To love me, means to love all of me, I'm so much more than just a feeling of peace and safety. I want to be that too, but that is not all that I am. I'm happy that I'm in her mind, but I want to show her the way out. I know there's a lot of shit and that she is scared. I can only imagine what it would be like, having a head that in one way is empty, but in another way is so full, you can't make any sense of it. _

_If I had a childhood like hers, would I really want to remember? Would I want to know that my brother is serving jail for bashing me half to death? Would I want to know that my father abused my mother, that he turned life into hell for me and my brother?_

_But in between, I know there are memories worth remembering. Like the one she told me about when she was five, just before her mother died, they were out, picking flowers. Or the time when she was ten and Brett gave her a little toy boat for her birthday. _

_The first day she walked into my classroom and our lives changed forever. Our first date when we really was going with two boys, Ryan and Trent, I can't believe I remember their names… I do and that's what I want Joey to do too. _

_We was so scared that night, we held hands for the first time, it was magic, one guy on each side, the two of us in the middle and all we could focus on was each other. It's things like that that makes a relationship, real memories from a real world._

_I don't know what to do, on one hand I want to shake her and force her back, on the other hand I just want to hold her and be patient and say that it doesn't matter if she ever remembers. But that's not true, it does matter, I want her to remember, it might be selfish, but I want her to remember me. The way I think, my reactions, what I like and don't like. My work, my family. I want her to remember how she always knows what I'm thinking, the way she picks up on my mood. _

_The way that she holds me, the way she makes me feel safe and at home. With her I don't have to be the strong, tough cop. She brought my warm and loving side to life again, with her I can be vulnerable, with her I'm happy._

_How long will it take, what will it be like? I wish she could just wake up in the morning and be herself, like nothing has happened. _

_She was so confident and strong, not afraid of anything. She stood up to her brother in court, she has come such a long way from what she was like when we first met. I think she is even more scared now than she was then. Back then she was scared of what would happen, now she is scared about what has happened. _

_I wanted to protect her back then, I wanted to get her away from everything. Now I have to let her experience it again, there's nothing I can do to protect her. I know it won't hurt physically, but it will be so much worse emotionally. _

_I could help her to stay in the place she is, hindering her in remembering. She loves me, in a way, we could build on that, create new memories. If she wants to stay in that room, together we could keep her there…_

_I can't do that to her though. She has to know who she is, her life might have been shit, but it's her life. It has made her the person she is today, the woman I love. I'll do everything I can to bring her back. I'll walk with her, I'll hold her if the past haunts her. I'll do whatever is needed if I can just have her here._

_This has made me realize even more how much I love her. The rings we gave each other a little more than a month ago, I want her, all of her. I love her, more than I ever have word to describe. I just hope that she again will love me like that, the way she used to._

_God, How is it possible to be laying so close to someone, and be so alone?_


End file.
